THIS is me…(9)

By: Sarah Ann Walker

“Z, I'll stay with her, but you really have to go now.”

“I know, Mack. I'll just stay a few more minutes with her.”

“Z. You have to go now. If you're caught here, it may be another setback for me.”

“Mack, please. I just need a few more minutes with her.”

“Z- I know you're desperate to stay with her but this is going to only hurt the situation. Please leave for now. Go back to your apartment and call me from there.”

“Mack, I can't leave her today. I just can't. Today feels… different.”

Oh, wow. Is this guy crying?

“Listen to me Z. Z! Look at me. I'll care for her, but you have to leave now. You have to. I'll care for Suzanne and I won't leave her today, I promise. But please, for Suzanne's sake, get out of here now. If Marcus sees you I don't know if I can change his mind.”. Marcus?!

“Okay. I'm sorry.”

“Z, you never have to be sorry. I know how much you love her, and I know how desperate you are to care for her. If I could, I would place her in your care, believe me I would. But I can't. So I'm asking you to leave FOR Suzanne, just for now. Just for today.”

He loves me? Am I HER? Who the hell IS he?

“I know… I'm leaving. It just hurts so bad some days, and there's never any time. I never have the time-”

“Z, I want you to call my cell the minute you leave here. I'll place my cell on speakerphone beside Suzanne, okay? You can talk to her when we're in the clear, okay? Please leave now, but call me soon. I'll be waiting for your call.”

“Okay. Bye, Suzanne. I'll be back as soon as I can. I love you, sweetheart. Please wake up soon. Please, love.”

When there is only silence, I feel myself falling again. I can't stand this feeling. I think I'm awake, but I'm totally asleep too. This is such a strange, like, suspended feeling. My body doesn't really feel anything at all, and my head kind of hears these people, but I don't know what I'm listening to. I can't actually understand them at all.

I feel like I'm watching a movie with the sound down low, but with my eyes wide open. When these people talk I hear bits of what they're saying, but I can't make out the whole conversation so I can't understand them.

Maybe if I could see them, I would know what they're saying. Maybe if I could see their faces, I would know who they are and what they want from me. Maybe... But I just don't know how to wake up.


“Hi Marcus. Have you been here long?”

Marcus! Marcus is here?

“Hey, Kayla. No, I've only been here a few minutes. Mack just left to give me a little privacy with her. How was your flight?”

“Good. My flight was good, Marcus.”

“That's good.”

This is kind of weird. Marcus sounds the same but different. I wish I could ask him what the hell is going on. Where are my parents? I don't think I've heard my mother at all.

“Kayla, please don't look at me like that. I know you hate me. I know everyone hates me. I know Mack hates me, and the other Kayla hates me. And I know HE hates me. I know it, but I can't change that. I WON'T change that.”

Marcus? Why would anyone hate Marcus? He's Marcus.

“I actually don't hate you, Marcus. I just hate what you've done, though sadly, I can almost understand it. I know you love Suzanne, but what you’re doing is wrong. You're lying to everyone Marcus, and you're lying to yourself the most.”

Holy shit! What's he done?

“It's NOT a lie, Kayla. Suzanne loves me, she told me. I know she loves me. She told me she loves me, and I know she does.”

“Marcus, Suzanne DOES love you, but not like that. Not anymore.”

“Yes, she does. You don't know Suzanne...”

“Actually, I-”

“NO YOU DON'T! I know Suzanne, and I know what she wants and needs. You have only known her a couple months, but I've known her forever. And she's my wife!”

“I've known Suzanne at her worst, which translates into years, Marcus.”

Who the hell are you? Why are you talking to my husband like that? I wish I could yell at this woman because she doesn't know me, but Marcus does! He's right. He knows me more than anyone does.

“Kayla, I have known and loved Suzanne for 2 lifetimes. I know when she's messed up, and I know when she's happy. Suzanne has been the only person I've ever truly known and loved my whole life, and I know she would want this. I know she would want me to do this. She told me once.”