THIS is me…(8)

By: Sarah Ann Walker


Why did she like looking like that? Who wants to be shaped like a little girl?

My mother was just so skinny and small, and she always wore dark clothes to make herself look even skinnier. She told me I should always wear dark clothes to look skinny because she looked good and she was skinny. She told me we had to be skinny so men liked touching us.

So my mother was super skinny like a little girl, but she had awful wrinkly hands like an old lady. God, my mother's hands and arms were so skinny and bony when I was little, she always looked like a little girl skeleton to me. I didn't know why she wanted to be that skinny. I didn’t know why she wanted her bones to push out of her skin, but that's what she wanted, so that's what they did.

I remember when she bushed my hair when I was young I hated seeing her hands touch me through the mirror. My mother would hum quietly while staring at my eyes through the mirror, just as I watched through the mirror her lovely face while she hummed and brushed my hair.

I remember always closing my eyes during this quiet time with her, and I remember my mother always kissing the back of my head once my eyes were finally closed.

I think she thought I liked her brushing my hair when I was little, but I really didn't. My mother's skinny skeleton hands scared me so badly I used to have to try very hard not to shake from my fear of them.

I remember always waiting for my mother to put the brush down and wrap her tiny, bony hands around my throat. I remember thinking her gross, bony hands would slowly work their way around my throat, gently closing, tighter and tighter, until I stopped breathing altogether.

Sometimes, I just hoped I would stop breathing, so I wasn't afraid anymore. But I never stopped breathing, and I've never stopped being afraid of her.

I don't know why I remember my mother always liked brushing my hair. It's so strange to remember now but after our baths together she would dress me quickly so she could begin brushing my hair dry. I think that was the only time my mother seemed kind of nice to me. Well, as long as I didn't look at her awful skeleton hands, she seemed kind of nice to me.

But the rest of the time my mother was just a mean little girl-sized skeleton, whose hands looked like they wanted to wrap slowly around my throat, gently closing, tighter and tighter until I stopped breathing finally.



I wonder why I don't hear her in my dream. Has she finally stopped looking for me?





*****





“Suzanne, it’s Z. Can you hear me, love? Can you open your eyes for me, please? I'm so desperate to see your eyes on me. God, Suzanne, I miss you so much. Can you please wake up for me now? I know you're here and I know you're coming back to me, but could you please try to come back now, Suzanne? Could you please try to wake up for me?”

I don't know this man. And he's not the same man as before- the Mack. I know I don't know this man. How does he know me? Oh, shit! Am I still sleeping?

“Suzanne, New York Kayla is going to be here any minute now and she's feisty as hell today. Do you really want to piss off your New York Kayla? Come on Suzanne. It's time.”

Time for what? Who are these people? Where's Marcus?

“Suzanne, I can't stay here much longer today but I'd really like you to wake up for me now. We have so much to talk about. We have so many things to discuss, and I can't do anything if you don't wake up for me. Open your eyes, love. Mack is here with you and New York Kayla is coming soon, and we all just want you to wake up so we can talk to you. Please, love? Please wake up for me.”

I don't know you, and I don't think I can wake up. Where's Marcus?

“Suzanne, it’s Z. I'm still here with you. I've been here every day, waiting for you to come back to me. I've left New York and I'm waiting here for you. We're all waiting for you, love. Could you please wake up now?”

Who's waiting? Where's Marcus?

“Suzanne, I love you so much and I'm so sad without you. Everything just hurts so badly without you, and I'm so tired of living like this. I'll wait forever if I have to, but I'm begging you, Suzanne- I need you to wake up for me. I know you're coming back, Mack told me, but could you please hurry up, love? Please, Suzanne... I'm so lost,” he moans.

Wow. This is so weird. I have NO idea who this guy is, but his sadness is like, on my skin and inside me or something. It's like I can feel his words when he speaks them. His words wash all over my skin, and they make me feel sad for him. His voice is so dark, and his words are so sad, and I feel terrible for him.