THIS is me…(6)

By: Sarah Ann Walker


What Suzanne shit? What did I do? Who the hell is this woman? And why the hell is she so mad at me?



In the silence that follows I just try to breathe. I'm not sure what the problem is, but I feel like I should know. I wish to god I could wake up, but I'm just so tired from all this sleeping.

It’s like I’m trapped in my body somehow. I feel so awake, but so damn tired. I feel too awake to keep sleeping, but way too tired to wake up.



“All we do is wait. That's it. We wait and wait. We've spent almost 3 months just waiting, and I can't stop wondering what we're all waiting for? What if it’s bad? What if nothing is the same again? What if she really is gone this time?”

“Kayla, I honestly don't believe that to be true. I believe she's here just taking her time so she can come back to us fully recovered.”

“But will she ever be fully recovered? I mean really- look at her.”

“I hope so. I believe so Kayla. I think she's going to come back again stronger than ever.”

What am I recovering from? What happened to me? God, I wish someone would say one friggin' thing that makes sense for once.



“Do you think I'm a terrible person, Mack? Am I a bitch for being tired of all this- this Suzanne drama all the time?”

“No, I don't think you're a bitch. You're a mean, sadistic, nasty, man-eating woman, but you're definitely not a bitch.”

Wow. I think she's laughing. Laughing?! What the hell? Who makes someone laugh by saying such awful things to them? This is just so twisted.

“Thanks, Mack. You're always so nice to me. When you dump the other Kayla, make sure you give me a call, okay?”

“Give me a hug, and go home. You're totally exhausted. But I'll see you later, and I'll be out of your hair in the morning. And by the way, if I ever dump Kayla, another Kayla is the last person I'll be hooking up with. Just an FYI.” Is he smiling? He kind of sounds like it.

“Fair enough, Mack.”



When there’s nothing but silence, I think I kind of exhale. It's weird to be here, but not here. I feel like I'm intruding on these people, though they’re here in my dream. I don't know them and I don’t understand what's happening, but I feel kind of desperate to get away from them.

I wish I could just wake up because I'm really tired of all this shit, too.



“Mack, I really have enjoyed you being around. You're a great guy to live with. Actually, you hold the title of being the only man I've ever lived with. And though it’s only been 2 and a half months, I'm gonna miss your Mackness around my apartment.”

“Kayla, please don't get all soft on me. Crashing at your place for the last 10 weeks has been absolute hell,” he laughs. “Go home and relax. I'll see you later.”

“I'm sorry about earlier, Mack. I just thought I could scare her awake or something.”

“I know exactly what you were trying to do, and it was a good thought. But I don't think scaring Suzanne is the way to get to her. Increasing her heart rate won't bring her back, but at least it IS proof that there's more going on now than there was before. We'll figure this out, and we'll have her back soon. I know it. You have to be patient, Kayla.”

“I'm trying... But time is running out.”

Times running out for what?

“I know, but I won't stop fighting for her. Just be a little more patient and she'll be back with us soon, okay?”

Where am I?

“Okay. See you later, Mack. Did you want to have Chinese at midnight? You know, our last hurrah or something?”

“Sounds good. I'll call it in and pick it up on my way back to your place. Just go home and relax. I need you to relax, and I need you to stay healthy for me.”

“You know Mack... Suzanne was right about you. You really are the most amazing man, certainly, that I've ever known. I’ll see you at home. And thanks.”

“No problem.”

“Um, Suzanne… I’m really sorry. I didn't mean to scare you, or to be mean to you. I just want you to wake up so badly, I sometimes forget to be nice. But I'll see you soon- maybe in a few days. I just need a little break now, and I hope you understand. I’ve got to go for a few days, but I'll be back soon. I miss you, Suzanne.”



When there is only silence I wait for more, and then...