THIS is me…(5)

By: Sarah Ann Walker

And now I know. I was never beautiful like Tommy, and no one ever thought of me as Tommy, but I wanted to be. I wanted to be just like my grandma. I wanted to be beautiful, strong, lovely Tommy, but I'm not. I'm still just Suzanne.

I wonder why I'm remembering all these things now. What a strange way to dream, or to reminisce, or to feel nostalgic, especially now when I'm sleeping but kind of awake. Weird.



“Suzanne! Wake up right now! Seriously. I don't want to sit here just staring at you anymore 'cause I'm tired of it! Everyone is so fucking tired of it. It's ENOUGH!” What?!

“Kayla, stop!” What the hell is happening?

“No, Mack! Suzanne needs to wake up now!”

“Kayla, Suzanne will come back soon. You need to just-”

“Fuck that, Mack! Suzanne! I've had it with you! Wake the fuck up! NOW!”

“Kayla! If you yell at Suzanne one more time, I'll bounce you from this room!”

“Piss off, Mack! You wouldn't dare.”

“Try me!”

“Oh, fuck you... I'll call Kayla tonight and see if she lets you bounce me from the room. How'd you like that?”

“Kayla, I don't think you want to go there with me- Not right now. Listen, I know you're stressed out, and I know you want Suzanne to wake up, but-”

“Mack. Don't you dare try to shrink me right now. I don't need a Shrink. I need Suzanne to Wake. The. Fuck. UP!”

Jesus Christ! Why is she so mad at me? What the hell did I do wrong? Honestly. I mean, I'm sleeping here, kind of, and this woman just keeps yelling at me. Yeah, like I'm really gonna wake up for YOU. What a bitch!

“Suzanne, I'm just going to give you a manicure, alright? Yeah, I'm sure you'll like that. You just lie there all relaxed, and I'll paint your nails for you. How does that sound?”

What the hell? Is this woman bi-polar or something? I can't keep up with her words or her moods.

“Kayla, DON'T!”

“It's fine. Shut up, Mack.”

“Kayla, I mean it. You're acting very irrationally right now. Can you please talk to me? I would really like to know what's bothering you, besides the obvious of course. Kayla, please- just talk to me.”

“I'm fine Mack, honestly. But Suzanne isn't, is she? You're not fine, are you Suzanne? What's the matter SWEETIE, cat got your tongue?” What?! I don't know what the hell this woman is talking about.


“Hey, SWEETIE, I'm just going to paint your nails now, okay? Would you like that?”

“Kayla, THAT'S ENOUGH! I know what you're doing, and it's not working. STOP. Now!”

“Suzanne, I'm painting your fingernails now, blood RED! Do you like that?! Awful, bloody, dark RED! Did you hear me? I said your nails are RED, like Whore's RED!” What?!

Oh god, I swear my heart is pounding through my chest. And I feel kind of funny, like scared or desperate or something. What’s happening?

“Kayla, stop this. Kayla, look at me. Now, Kayla. Look at me, right now. Look what you're doing to-”

“No, Mack.”

“Kayla, NOW! I want you to turn and I want you to look at me, right now.”

“No, Mack...”

Oh, now she sounds all sad or something. What a Psycho this bitch is.

“Kayla, turn and look at me, right now.”

“Mack, I can't.”

“Kayla, look at me...”

Oh, now he sounds all sad too. What the hell is going on?

“I'm so tired, Mack.”

“I know. Come here and sit with me.”

Yeah, take a load off, ya Psycho!

“Mack... I can't really deal with all this shit anymore.”

“Kayla, I'm leaving your apartment in the morning. I'll be out of your apartment, and you can have all your space back. You can have some time to yourself again. My stay was supposed to be only temporary back then.”

“That's not it. You're fine. I kinda like torturing you for Kayla. It's just, I'm tired of all the Suzanne Shit all the time, you know?”

“I understand. And you've been a very kind and generous host, but I'll be settled tomorrow morning into my rental, and you'll have your own space again, and you can take a break from all this for a while. Maybe take a few days for yourself. Maybe you should stay away for a few days. I know how tired you are, and it’s okay, Kayla. It really is okay to be tired of all this Suzanne shit.”