THIS is me…(21)

By: Sarah Ann Walker

“I'm sorry, but I have no idea what's wrong with you, or what I've done to upset you. I'm really trying to be nice here but you seem so sad and confused. I just thought you could use a friend, or maybe a doctor to talk to so that maybe you won't look this sad anymore.”

“I'm not sad, Suzanne. Well actually, I'm devastated, but you don't know why, do you? So really, my devastation is kind of a moot point. I don't need a doctor, but I do have one should the need arise. I do however need my friend back. I need you, but you're not here with me are you?” Holy shit! This woman is nuts.

“Okay miss, I'll get a doctor for myself, and maybe I can get a doctor for you too. Would you like that, um...?”

“I’m KAYLA! New. York. Fucking. KAYLA!! Fuck, Suzanne, THINK!! REMEMBER ME!!”

Shaking, I'm at a total loss. I don't know why this woman is here, and I don't know why she's so mad at me. I don't know what I did to upset her and I don't know why she's still here. What the hell do I do? Lie!

“Oh, I remember you now- of course. You're my friend from New York who I visited in Manhattan. I remember now. We had fun shopping and driving around. Thank you for coming to see me but would you mind if I had a little rest now? Would you mind if I was alone for a few minutes? I'd love for you to return another day, though. Thank you for your friendship, um...”

“Kayla…” she moans. “My name is Kayla, but you always called me New York Kayla, or 'this Kayla' when in New York or 'that Kayla' when in Chicago. I am your second best friend, tied with Chicago Kayla. I. Am. Kayla. I am your New. York. Kayla.” Oh my god. This Kayla is certifiable.

“I know that, I really do. You're my New York Kayla. I remember now. Thanks for visiting me New York Kayla, but can I please be alone for a few minutes? Would you mind, um, New York Kayla just giving me a minute or two alone?” There, I think that was convincing. Jesus, my heart is pounding again.

“Sure, Suzanne, I'll leave you alone. Have a little rest, and maybe when you wake up again you'll remember me. Maybe after another rest, you'll remember us. Go ahead and have a rest.”

“Thank you New York Kayla and I do apologize for upsetting you, but that was never my intention.”

“I know it wasn't your intention, Suzanne. It's never your intention to upset anyone, but you always do anyway.” What? “It seems like every single minute with you is upsetting to those of us who love you, for those of us who care about you. All you do, though NOT your intention, is upset us. But please, don't apologize- please don't say ‘you're sorry’. I hate it, and so does everyone else who loves you. All of us who you can't remember hate it when you say you're sorry to us.”

“Um, okay, I won't apologize anymore. Thank you New York Kayla. I'll try to be better next time we see each other so I won't upset you anymore. Thank you, and I promise I remember you now.”

“Sure you do.”

“I do, New York Kayla. I promise.”

“Well, Suzanne…” she practically snarls at me. “If you honestly remembered me you wouldn't call me ‘New York’ Kayla to my face.” What?! I swear to god, I don't get this woman. At all. “If you really remembered, you would know I am just Kayla when we're talking, unless I'm with the other Kayla, or when you're talking about us to someone else. When talking to me I'm just Kayla- your friend Kayla. To my face you just call me Kayla because it doesn’t make sense to call me New York Kayla to my face.”

Shaking her head, and wiping her eyes JUST Kayla rises from the chair without looking at me. Turning from me completely, she seems awful walking toward the door. God, this woman is just so sad suddenly. It's almost heartbreaking. I really hope she gets the help she needs and I really hope she finds her real friend soon. I hate seeing her leave looking so broken.

“Bye, Suzanne. I'll see you later. Um, I still love you...” she whispers from the doorway.

Wow, what a sad thing to hear. I don't know who she loves, but I hope she finds them soon. I hope her real friend can be found.

Maybe when a doctor comes in, I'll tell them about her so they can help her. Maybe she’s just lost or can't find her room. Oh! Maybe her friend died and I look like her or something so she's crazy with grief. Maybe she's just lonely and needs a friend. God, I hope she finds a real friend soon so she's not so lonely anymore.