THIS is me…(19)

By: Sarah Ann Walker

“Sure, I guess. Dr. MacDonald?” Ugh, he flinched again. “Um, do you know where my mother is? I thought she'd be here by now.”

“She isn't here right now- she's out of town. So don't worry about her for now. Just rest, and I'll come back soon to speak with you.”

He totally looked like he was lying to me again. This is so weird. Dr. MacDonald got all red, and he gulped hard when he told me about my mother. What the hell is going on?

“Is everything alright with my mother? You seem to be hiding something about her. Did my mother say something mean to you? If she did, I'm really sorry. My mother can be mean sometimes. Sorry if she was mean to you.”

“Your mother wasn't mean to me Suzanne, so please don't worry about her. She just isn't available right now- that's all. I'll see you soon,” he smiles.

When he stands to leave my room I am totally relieved to be alone.

Okay, Dr. MacDonald just left my room super quick. It's like he wants to do something quickly, or report something quickly, or tell on me quickly about something. Shit. What did I do wrong? Is he going to tell my mother on me? I thought I was very respectful to him. Dammit. I'm totally scared that she's going to be mad at me when I see her.

Trying to exhale again, I realize I'm holding my breath. Why can't I just relax? I'm really exhausted now and I'm more than ready to have a sleep, but I feel too nervous and tense. I NEED to sleep, but I hate the feeling of my mother being mad at me. It's even worse with her than when Marcus is mad at me.

Okay, time to sleep. My brain is all fuzzy, and I feel like crap. My stomach is all nauseous, and my hands are shaky, though I really haven't moved them much at all. Actually, I've barely moved my body at all. What the hell? CAN I move my body?

Okay, focus. Move body, move. Oh, my arms are moving a little. Come on legs. Move! Oh good, they can move too, I feel it. I can't really see it because my head hurts too much, and my eyes are getting super blurry from being tired, but I feel my legs moving, so that's good. Ugh, I really do feel pretty shaky and nauseous, and kind of like I want to cry, which is strange as well because that's something I never do either. I never, ever cry.

Okay, enough. Closing my eyes tightly, I'm just going to rest for a while, and then try to get up and out of this bed a little later.

Good. That's a plan. Maybe when I wake up Marcus will be here and he can tell me why I'm even in the hospital. I would really like to know what I did to end up in a hospital again.


MAY 12

Waking again I am absolutely exhausted because the people just won't stop around here. The noise won't stop and the stuff won't stop. There is never a moment of peace here. I don't know how long this waking up has been, but I'm ready to rest again.

Endless Doctors and Technicians and Nurses and Specialists have been in my room since I woke up. There have been so many people in here constantly. There has been so much talking in here. There has been so much activity in here. There has been so much of everything in this little room.

Throughout all the noise, everyone has been asking the same questions, and everyone has been touching me. Everyone has been in my face and it’s just too much for me.

I don't want to talk anymore, and I don't want to be touched anymore. I don't want my legs moved while I close my eyes, and I don't want my arms raised as I open my eyes. I don't want to be lifted, and shifted, and rolled, and changed anymore. I don't want to hear about my movements, and I don’t want my memory tested again. I don't want to hear about myself anymore because I'm not that interesting. Plus, I’m really not listening anyway.

I'm humiliated and exhausted at once. But no one will actually tell me what happened, or what I did wrong to end up here. No one answers any of MY questions; they just expect answers to all theirs. And back and forth we go.

They ask me a question which I answer, and then I ask them a question which they do NOT answer. Well, I'm not talking anymore and they can’t make me. I'm tired, and I want to be left alone.

Where’s Marcus? Why hasn't he come for me? Where is my mother? Why hasn't she come to claim me? Why am I here? These are such simple questions really but no one will answer me.


Waking, I know there's someone in here, again. I know I'm not alone and I totally don't want to do this anymore. Why can’t I just be alone? I wish I could go back to my sleepless dreaming sleep again. At least there I was alone in my head. Well, except for all the talking and noise and stuff, I was alone.