THIS is me…(17)By: Sarah Ann Walker
I can't stop this. I can't talk to her and I can't talk to them. My body is shaking, and I hear the voices all around me, but I can't do this. There is so much noise and movement all around me. Oh, god… I think people are touching me.
I swear I hear my name again through the noise. I know she's yelling to get my attention, but I can't do this. I won't do this!
“NO!” I shriek as loud as I can even as my throat screams in agony. I think I must have torn my throat wide open. Maybe they cut my throat open. Maybe they squeezed my throat for the last time.
I don't know what to do anymore. Shaking and gasping, I try to ignore them. I don't want to hear this. I don't want to feel this. Oh my god!! They're going to kill me again.
After a last thought of death, I feel myself falling.
I know I'm falling far away. I just need to sleep away this death. I need to sleep through this fear, and then it will finally be over. I need to sleep away this life again.
“Suzanne, its Mack. I'm here, Suzanne. I'm here with you in the hospital. You can open your eyes now. I know you're awake and I know you woke up a few minutes ago. Come on, Suzanne, wake back up for me.”
I really don't want to. Waking up was so loud. There was all that noise and yelling and struggling, and just stuff going on around me. I don't want to wake up again. I think I prefer the never-ending dream I was in.
“Suzanne, I know you're awake and just faking sleep. I can tell- I've watched you sleep far too many times to not know when you're faking it.” Wow. That sounds creepy. “Why don't you want to wake up now? You are completely safe with me and I need to talk to you. We're alone, and I really, really want to talk to you for a minute. Please, Suzanne.”
Ugh. This is so annoying. Nobody shuts up around here. They all just talk and talk. Shit. Hasn't anyone heard of, like, meditation or something? Just sit quietly and shut the hell up for a minute. It's like they can't deal with quiet. Well I can. I love quiet. Quiet lets me know I'm safe. What?!
Opening my eyes, I'm nearly blinded by the light again. Everything is just so bright and blurry suddenly. I don't remember this from last time I woke up. Hey! Where's Marcus?
“Ah, no. Marcus had to leave for a little while. I'm sure he'll be back soon though. I know he really wants to see you, so I'm sure he'll be back soon.”
Turning, I'm curious about the voice I keep hearing.
Oh! He doesn't look like I thought he would. This man’s voice is so nice sounding. His voice is very calm and soothing, almost soft-like. I thought he would be short and round with glasses maybe. I don't know. He doesn't sound at all like he looks though.
Smiling at me, the man takes my hand into his own, but I really want out of his grasp. Trying to pull away, I try until I see his frown. This guy is very good looking. He's very attractive, and I feel very uncomfortable holding his hand. Why won’t he let go?
Pulling away from him again, the man finally let’s me free. Slowly sliding my hand across the bed feels like it takes me a lifetime, but finally, my hand is just mine. Finally, I'm not being touched.
“Welcome back, Suzanne. It's so good to see you awake. I've been waiting for-freakin-ever for you to wake up,” he grins.
“Oh, okay. Sorry, sir.” When he frowns again, I realize I've said something wrong. “Um, sorry to make you wait, sir.”
“Oh, okay. Are you a doctor?”
Dammit, now he looks all he all stressed again. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong but I'm really trying here, and he looks like everything I say is the wrong thing. I should probably stop talking now because silence is always safer for me anyway.
“Suzanne, do you remember me? I'm Mack. Do you remember me as your doctor, Mack?”
“No, I'm sorry sir. How long have you been my doctor?”
As he lets out a hard exhale, I feel like I'm in trouble. Ugh, what do I say now?
“You’re safe, Suzanne. I'm not mad at you, and you're doing nothing wrong. I'm just a little surprised that you don't remember me. We're very close friends, you and I.”
“I thought you were the doctor?”
“I am YOUR doctor, but I'm also a close personal friend of yours. I've been waiting for you to wake up, and I thought you would remember me.”