THIS is me…(14)

By: Sarah Ann Walker

I hear all these people but I don't know any of them, well, except for Marcus. I know him and I hear him. He seems so sad or maybe tired- I'm not sure which. I know Marcus, but I don't really know this Marcus. Even he seems so strange to me.

I wish I could just wake up. I wish I could move out of this darkness. I wish I wasn't trapped in this darkness all the time because it makes me kind of tired, even though I think I'm still sleeping. I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to open this closet door anymore.


“Hi, Marcus. How are you?”

“I’m fine, Kayla. But I really don't want to see you or any of her friends anymore. I'm going to talk to security and have you all banned from her room from now on.”

“Marcus, you can't ban Mack.”

“Oh, we'll see. I bet I can.”

“And her grandfather?”

“Screw him. Where the hell has he been all these years? I've met the man 4 times in all the years Suzanne and I have been together. He means nothing to us. Suzanne and I know what's what. We know he doesn't love us. We know he's irrelevant. Don't we, Suzanne?”

“Marcus, tomorrow isn't going to happen- I guarantee it. There's a new reason to stop this. There’s a new medical reason for this to stop. We have some strange news about Suzanne that we've been waiting to share with you.”

What?! What about me?

“It doesn't matter...”

“Actually Marcus, it DOES matter. Would you like to know what has happened? Maybe you'll feel better about leaving Suzanne alone. Maybe you'll even change your mind about her. Would you like to hear about it?”

“No, Kayla, I wouldn't. I'll still win no matter what you think you have against me. I'm her husband, and I've already won. Even my lawyer says an appeal by her grandfather and Mack won't help because there's no basis for it. There's no new information from her grandfather or from her ‘best friend’ Mack that can make a difference.”

“But we have-”

“You have nothing other than false hope on your side. But I have Suzanne on my side. I know she wants this because she told me. Suzanne doesn't want to be like this anymore.”

Ha! You're right Marcus. I don't want to be like this anymore.

“Marcus, I have to show you something.”

“I'm not interested.”

“Marcus please. Just look at me for a minute. Just look at what I have here. I'm begging you.”

“Listen, Kayla, it doesn't matter. There is nothing-”

“Look Marcus.”

“What is...? Oh my god... THAT'S NOT TRUE!”

What?! What's not true?

“It IS true. This is real, and this is Suzanne.”

“No, it isn't. It isn't even possible! She wasn’t like that.”

Like what?!

“Suzanne was like that, and she would be happy about this.”

“Actually, she really wouldn't...”

Holy shit! Marcus is sobbing. What did I do?


“Get out of here Kayla. NOW! I want to be alone with my wife now. I want to be alone with her. She needs me. Suzanne needs me to stop all this for her. She doesn't want this. She never wanted this.”

“Marcus, please listen to me. This isn't about you anymore. This is about Suzanne now.”

“I KNOW THAT! It was always about Suzanne. It's ALWAYS been about Suzanne. Christ! Every minute of every single day with Suzanne has been about Suzanne. But it's too much now. It's too much for us, so I'm helping her. I'm going to make this all go away for her. I'm going to end this now.”

Make what go away? What did I do? Shit! I thought I was being good here. I thought I was being a good girl, all quiet and still. Being quiet and still is what everyone wants from me. It's what I always do. No one gets mad at me when I'm quiet and still. So what did I do wrong?

“…Suzanne takes your hand, and she leads you down the river...”

Oh god, Marcus sounds like he’s moaning.

“What are you talking about Marcus? What are you singing?”

“… and you know that she's half crazy, but that's why you want to be there...”

“Marcus what are you doing?”

Oh my god... I love this song. Why is Marcus singing it to me? Why is he singing? Marcus only sang this song once to me. One time on our honeymoon, Marcus sang 'Suzanne' and I wept and asked him to stop.