THIS is me…(10)By: Sarah Ann Walker
“Marcus, you're wrong. Please... please just listen to me for a minute.”
“Marcus, I'm begging you to just hear me out.”
“It's all the same, Kayla. Every one of you say the same things over and over again. It never changes, but I want it to change. I know what she wants; she told me a long time ago what she wanted. I know Suzanne. And I know what I have to do.”
Wow! I think Marcus is crying.
“Please, Marcus. Please, listen to me.”
Holy SHIT! I think this woman is crying too. What the hell is going on? Why does everyone cry all the time?
“Talk Kayla. Go ahead. Get it off your chest.”
“Marcus, please don't kill Suzanne.” WHAT?!
“Wow. That was a low blow, Kayla. Even for you.”
“It's not a low blow. That's what you're doing. You're killing her.”
“I am NOT killing her. She's gone. She's not here anymore. This is not HER! You KNOW that!”
“I don't know that and neither do you. Mack showed you the MRI results and the head Neurologist showed you the latest scans and the latest test results. And Dr. Carmilia showed you the newest assessment of her changes. Everyone sees the change but you. Suzanne has more brain function and she’s been reacting to some stimuli. She even had a physical reaction when Kayla was trying to provoke her yesterday. Suzanne is here. She’s just not here fully. YET.”
“Suzanne is gone...” Marcus moans.
No, I'm not! I'm here, Marcus! I'm right here, SLEEPING!
“She is NOT gone- I know it. Please Marcus. It doesn't cost you anything to keep her here. There is no burden to you financially, or otherwise-”
“Fuck YOU, Kayla! You think it's the money? It's not even MY money. I have my own money.”
“No. I don't think it’s the money. I'm just trying to say, that there’s no cost to you to wait-”
“No cost? Are you fucking blind? This whole thing is a cost to me. I have to stare at my dead wife, waiting every day for her to finally die. I have to wait and wait. There is no forward and there is NO back. I have to wait, but she just won't die! She's gone, but she just won't LEAVE!”
NO! I'm not gone. I'm here! I'm totally here! Shit! Oh god, I need to wake up from this sleep.
“Marcus, you can walk away and I'll take care of her. I'll care for her and I'll wait for her to wake up.”
“She's not going to wake up. Are you delusional or something?! Look at her, Kayla. Look hard! She's all fucked up, and awful, and DEAD!”
I'm not! I'm NOT dead! SHIT! Oh, god… What do I do?!
“She IS all fucked up, and awful- But she's NOT dead. She's NOT! Look at her right now. Look at the increase in her heart rate, even in this moment as we speak. She is here. LOOK!”
Awful? Fucked up? What are they talking about? I'm just asleep. That's all. Why am I awful and fucked up? Why would Marcus say that? That’s so mean, and Marcus isn't usually mean. Marcus didn't think I was awful and fucked up before. What The Hell Is Happening?!
“Kayla, I don't want to talk about this anymore. It is going to happen. It’s decided. I won and next Friday it's going to happen. Suzanne is gone, and I'm really tired of talking about this with everyone.”
“Marcus, you can walk away. You can leave and pretend she's dead. You CAN move on. I promise I'll take good care of her, and I will. I'll keep her away from Mack, or anyone else you choose, but please, please let me care for her. Please, let me keep Suzanne.”
Oh my god. I can't even understand what's happening here. What do they mean? Who is this lady, and why doesn't Marcus want me anymore? Why is he going to kill me? How is he going to kill me? Oh my god. What the hell is happening?
“Marcus, Suzanne's grandfather is starting the second round of appeals. This isn't over yet. I know you want it over, but I can't really understand you anymore. I don't know why you want to rush this. Why are you rushing this when you can walk away? You can wash your hands of all this and walk away. I've given you your out, so why won't you take it? Why won't you just walk away?”
Yes, Marcus! Just walk away. Leave me alone!
“Marcus, why can't you?”
“I can't… because... I still love her. Even after everything she's done to me, I, ah, still love her.”