THIS is me…

By: Sarah Ann Walker


“Yes, this is Marcus Anderson. Yes, Suzanne Anderson is my wife. Um, yes, that's right; I'm her next of kin...” Marcus holds his breath as his new reality sets in.

“Oh, god... When?” Marcus whispers.

Walking slowly back into his study, the shaking is so great and walking so hard; Marcus sits down at his desk.

In a moan, he asks, “Where is she?”

Clutching the phone, Marcus stops as the pain sets in. With great restraint and gentle tears, Marcus cries for all that is lost.

“Hi baby, what's up?” Mack sits in his living room, smiling for his Kayla.

“Oh, god... When?” Mack whispers.

Standing slowly, the shaking is so great and standing so hard; Mack drops back down on the couch.

In a moan, he begs, “Where is she?”

Clutching the phone, Mack stops as the anguish sets in. With a pause in breathing, Mack weeps for all that is lost.

“What the fuck are you TALKING about?? WHAT?!” Stopping, Z can't breathe as his new reality sets in.

“Oh, god... When?” Z whispers.

Walking slowly back toward his bedroom, the shaking is so great and walking so hard; Z collapses where he stands in the hall.

In a moan, he cries, “Where is she?”

Laying down on the floor, Z clutches the phone and cries out as his agony sets in. With great sobs and coughing gasps to the unknown, Z screams for all that is lost.




Oh my god, I'm so tired but I'm pretty sure I'm sleeping. How is it even possible to be tired while sleeping? Huh. That's a new one. What's happening to me?

I'm pretty sure I must be asleep. Nothing is moving, and everything is so dark. I can't hear or see, and I can't move or breathe. This has to be a dreamless sleep, and yet I feel kind of awake. What the hell do I do now?

I swear I'm here, but I'm not. I swear I can feel, but I don't. I swear I hear people, but I'm all alone.

Where am I? What have I done?

I hate sleeping. I have always hated sleeping which is kind of weird, I think. I mean really, who hates sleeping? Nobody. But I do. I really hate it.

I don't know why, but for as long as I can remember I have hated the lack of control I feel when sleeping. It's like I'm nervous when I sleep, or I'm scared something will happen to me when I'm asleep. Actually, I can't really explain it because I think I just hate sleeping.

Maybe I'm one of those people who can live on very little sleep. Yeah, that's probably it. I'm not weird, or scared, or nervous, I just don't need much sleep when I'm sleeping.

When did that happen? I wonder if I was a bad baby who never slept. I wonder if I was a toddler who never napped. I wonder if I was a teen who never slept till noon on week-ends. Huh. I can almost guarantee that one. As if my parents would have ever let me sleep till noon on a weekend.

Time was much too valuable to waste. Time was almost a commodity in my home. Time is when everything happened. My parents didn’t waste a moment of time, so I know they wouldn’t have allowed me to waste any of my own time, especially by sleeping.

Maybe I should ask them one day if I ever liked sleeping. Maybe? Ah, maybe I shouldn't. God knows, if I was a colicky baby, my mother would probably still be pissed at me for it. Yeah, I would just remind her that I sucked as a baby, and then she'd treat me like crap until I apologized for being a baby. And really, is it worth it to know if I actually ever liked sleeping? Ah, no... Totally not worth it.

Christ! I wish I could wake up though, I'm kind of tired of all this sleep-thinking.


“Suzanne? Suzanne, I know you can hear me. I know you're here. Please, Suzanne. I need you to wake up now. I need you to open your eyes. Please, Suzanne. It’s Mack.”

I don't think I know that name but I think I know that voice… I think.

“Suzanne, please. I'm looking at your EEG results, and I can see that you're on your way back. I see it. Suzanne, I'm here and I'm helping you, but I need you to help me too. I need you to wake up now, Suzanne...”

Do I know this man? Am I still sleeping or am I awake? Ugh... this is so confusing.

“Suzanne, Chicago Kayla will be here soon. Don't you want to see Kayla? I know your Chicago Kayla wants to see you awake very badly. She's been here every evening to see you. I'm staying with Chicago Kayla, and I need your help. Chicago Kayla is torturing me just like your New York Kayla does and it's too much for me. Remember you always told me two Kaylas were too much? Well, you were right. I can't handle being alone with two Kaylas anymore. Can you wake up for me now, Suzanne? Can you help me?”