Spying on LoveBy: Nicole Rollins
“I love you. I’m, I’m in love with you.” Alex whispered, tears starting to gleam in her eyes.
Rachel gasped and dropped Alex’s hands as if burned. The anxiety in the dark, empty room of the country club increased tenfold under the weight of the admission. “What?” Rachel whispered back in shock.
“That’s what I needed to tell you. At least once. I, I needed you to know.” Alex nervously stated as she ran her hands over the navy party dress she was wearing, ironing out imaginary wrinkles.
“Alex, I’m with Samantha.”
“I know.” Alex bowed her head in defeat. “For years I’ve known, and I’ve waited. Rachel, I am in love with you.”
Alex cleared her throat. “You’re still going to marry her, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” Rachel whispered.
Several tears leaked out of Alex’s eyes. “Okay then. I’m glad you know.”
Alex turned to leave the room, but as she took her first step, she felt a hand grasp hers. Alex looked up at Rachel’s bright green eyes. Rachel stepped forward and placed her hand on Alex’s cheek. Alex gasped, still watching Rachel’s eyes as she felt Rachel move her head forward until their lips were barely touching. Alex instinctively pushed forward and let their lips connect in bliss and a release of years of pent-up emotions.
Alex deepened the kiss and ran her hands up and down the silky crimson ball gown Rachel was wearing. Alex desperately wanted to stay in this moment forever, forever pulling Rachel closer and never letting go. After a few seconds, the kiss ended and Alex pulled back.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that,” Alex stated with a small smile.
“Me too,” replied Rachel.
Alex moved forward to kiss Rachel again when she felt a hand on her chest.
“I can’t,” Rachel whispered.
Alex nodded sadly. She quickly turned without a word and pushed through the doors into the crisp May air. Alex took a ragged breath, wiped her eyes and purposely strode away from Green Meadows and away from Rachel Laski.
Alexandra Warland woke with a start. The same dream, the same memory replaying itself in her mind, just as if it had happened seven hours ago, rather than seven months. Alex spent a great deal of time these days wondering where exactly her life had gone so wrong. She wasn't a bad person; in fact, she considered herself one of the good guys, really. She had a decent head on her shoulders, a career plan for after school, loving parents and siblings, good friends, and even a handsome and popular boyfriend. So why was she so unsatisfied with her life? It was a question she asked herself nearly every night, whether she was in bed alone or lying next to Tommy. From the outside, everything seemed ideal. But from the inside, it was a whole different story.
In bed at night or in the morning after the dream, she imagined different options she could pursue to make herself happier. But no matter what she came up with, the vision of the life she wanted always included that one elusive part: a clever, adorable woman with hair that just as easily frizzed as curled, who could say a thousand things with a single glance of her hazel eyes. Rachel. Tommy was a wonderful guy in so many ways, but he just wasn't what Alex really wanted, no matter how hard she tried.
When Alex found herself thinking of Rachel, she tried to focus on her faults: how passive she could be, how she was incapable of saying how she really felt about personal things unless pushed. But even doing that didn't help, as Alex knew she suffered from the same weaknesses. It was one of the reasons they understood each other so well. Had understood each other, she often corrected herself. Now they were practically strangers, and she told herself that they had both changed so much during their time apart that they probably would never fit together so well again.
Though Alex knows she's telling herself yet another lie. Despite everything, they still have the connection. But the cloud of their fears, their anger, and the other people they've dragged in to hide behind has made it almost impossible to see it. But Alex knows, deep down, that it's still there. And it's the reason she just can't seem to let her go.