Guess Who I Pulled Last Night(5)

By: Nikki Ashton

“I’m fine,” he said, turning back to Grant.

“Well that’s good, you can come and help me in the kitchen then.” Kathleen glared at him, moving her eyes in the direction of the kitchen. “Now would be good.”

Tom got the message and remembered he was supposed to be on his best behaviour. “Okay, just be gentle with me.” With great effort he heaved himself off the sofa and followed his mother into the kitchen. Everyone else gave a sigh of relief; Tom was known for not suffering hangovers well.

Ten minutes later, they were all sitting down to eat lunch. Archie had stopped crying at the sight of Grant and was sitting in his highchair, opposite the special guest, while Tom, looking pale and uninteresting, was on Grant’s left hand side.

During lunch everyone tried to make conversation with Grant but generally, as Charlotte had on their first date, they listened to what he had to say. Tom, who was extremely bored and unable to eat, started pulling faces at Archie who, equally bored, pulled them back. When Tom raised the bar with the faces he was pulling, Archie had no ammunition left in his armament, and so had no alternative but to throw his uneaten lunch at Tom. As the blue plastic plate flew through the air, Tom knew he had to save himself. Like Bruce Willis, as John McClane in Die Hard, he dived to his right, and grabbing hold of Grant he pulled him into the line of fire. With a splat, the plate landed on the reddened spot on a bewildered Grant’s head. It slowly slithered down, until it landed, with a plop, on his lap.

“Shit,” he cried, standing up so quickly that he almost toppled the table over. “What the…”

“Archie,” cried Tom through his giggles. “That’s really naughty, what did you do that for?” He bit his clenched fist to stifle the laughter that was bubbling in his chest.

“Grant are you okay?” Charlotte moved over to him, wiping mashed potato and carrots from his forehead.

“My carpet,” cried Kathleen, as more food, mixed with gravy, fell from Grant’s groin to the floor.

“Archie, say sorry to Grant, that’s really naughty.” Amanda scolded her son, while also hiding a smile; she didn’t know why, but she had also taken an instant dislike to Grant.

“Sorry Gyant.” Archie lowered his head, not able to look at his victim, and then started to cry. “Sorry Mummy,” he sobbed.

Ken suddenly stood up at the head of the table; he spread his arms out wide. “Stop!” He bellowed. “Everyone be quiet and get this mess sorted. Kathleen, sort the carpet, Charlotte, take Grant upstairs and sort him out…Thomas less of your smuttiness please, and Amanda, take Archie into the kitchen and calm him down. Dave, well you just carry on drinking your wine.”

“Ooh Ken, that’s the second time today you’ve been all masterful,” gushed Kathleen.

“What?” asked Amanda, looking at Tom quizzically.

“Don’t ask,” he replied, leaning over to take the bottle of wine from Dave. “Hey Dave, give me some of that wine, I feel a bit better now.”

An hour later, after everything and everyone had been cleaned up, Ken decided that it would be a good idea if the men went to the pub for a couple of hours. Charlotte waved them off from the doorway, worrying how on earth Grant would manage with her dad and Tom without her; hopefully Dave would look after him. As she went back into the lounge Amanda erupted into howls of laughter.

“What?” Charlotte asked. “What, may I ask, is so funny?”

“Oh Charlotte, you have to admit, it’s been hilarious.” Amanda wiped the tears of laughter from her cheeks.

“No I don’t because it isn’t. And you Archie, why are you being such a little horror? Oh Mum what a mess!” she cried.

“I know dear, all over my carpet.”

“Not your bloody carpet! Bloody Grant, his bloody clothes, the whole bloody situation.”

“Less bloodys, please Charlotte.” Kathleen grimaced, as she folded away the table cloth.

Amanda moved over, she put a comforting hand on Charlotte’s shoulder. “You have to admit, he did look a picture, with that food sliding down his face, and when it landed in his crotch…I thought he was going to explode.” With that she erupted into laughter again, this time with Kathleen and Archie joining in; even Charlotte had a little grin to herself.