Guess Who I Pulled Last Night(4)

By: Nikki Ashton

“Solly Mum, solly Dad,” Tom groaned, not lifting his head from the carpet. “I plomise I’ll clean it up, just let me sleep a blit longer.”

Charlotte peered over her parents’ shoulders at her brother’s face squashed against the floor. “You idiot,” she cried. “You know Grant is coming for lunch today.” She sat on the stairs, holding her head in her hands. “Urgh, I bloody well hate you sometimes.”

“Get up you pillock.” Ken Price toe poked his son in the side.

“Oww that really hurt.” Tom sat up clutching himself.

“Good, now get up those stairs and in the shower before I really hurt you…idiot! Kathleen, please get me some hot water and disinfectant,” commanded Ken; he turned to Charlotte next. “Charlie help your stupid brother upstairs, get him in the shower and stay to make sure he doesn’t drown…then again it might be a blessing if he did; numbskull!”

“I’m not getting him undressed, that’s perverted,” Charlotte fumed. Her dad’s face was white with anger. “Okay, but I’m not washing him, I don’t want to see his bits! Come on you tool, get upstairs.” She pushed Tom in front of her, steadying him as he slowly made his way up to the bathroom, on all fours. “God, you stink of kebabs and sick,” she muttered, all the time resisting the temptation to push his head, hard onto the stairs.

After the mess had been cleaned up, and with half a bottle of Charlotte’s Ghost perfume sprayed over the offending area, everyone started to calm down. Kathleen started to prepare the Sunday lunch, while Ken polished the cutlery and glasses. Tom and Charlotte meanwhile were upstairs; Tom sleeping off his hangover and Charlotte trying to relax before Grant arrived. Amanda and Dave were due to arrive within the next half hour, with their gorgeous two year old Archie; the apple of everyone’s eye and the most well behaved, contented child ever – well…normally.

That day Archie decided he was going to be as naughty as possible, and had chosen Grant as his victim. It started when Grant arrived. He was introduced to the family, everyone smiled and shook his hand, except for Archie, and he took an instant dislike to Grant. Grant bent down to say hello to Archie, but was immediately hit between the eyes with Archie’s toy hammer.

“Oww, you little…” cried Grant, then noticing all eyes upon him, smiled widely. “I don’t know; he’s a livewire isn’t he?” He bent down again. “Ah let’s be friends, Archie.” Archie whacked him again and burst into tears, screaming at the top of his lungs. He didn’t stop until Amanda picked him up and took him into the kitchen where he couldn’t see Grant.

“Sorry mate,” sighed Dave. “He must be tired.”

“Never mind, lunch is almost ready, shall we sit down?” twittered Kathleen, her neck growing more crimson by the second.

“Mum, Grant has only just got here, give him chance.” Charlotte scowled at her mother, silently warning her to calm down. She then turned to Grant, who was rubbing his head where a red mark had appeared. “Are you okay?” she asked.

“Hmm fine,” he muttered, nodding his head and pushing Charlotte’s hand away. “No real damage.”

There was then some chitchat for ten minutes, until the lounge door slowly opened and a grey looking Tom entered, nodding solemnly at everyone.

“Okay,” he said, through clenched teeth. “Sorry I’m late.” He sat down next to Dave on the sofa, sighing at the effort that it had taken to make it down the stairs.

“Tom is unfortunately feeling a little hung over,” Charlotte explained to Grant. “He’s not normally so quiet and ghost like.”

“Oh dear.” Grant shook his head. “I don’t get it myself, why poison your body and make yourself feel like rubbish, just for a few hours of fun?”

Tom slowly lifted his head, which he had been resting on Dave’s shoulder. “Because, life should be all about having fun, and at the time I didn’t think of the consequences. I’m guessing that you are Grant?”

“Tom, if you don’t feel well then go back to bed.” Kathleen sensed that Tom may just be about to give Grant a piece of his mind, and wanted to avert a scene.