Guess Who I Pulled Last Night(2)By: Nikki Ashton
You can’t have the same bloke twice
Ugly blokes used to bump up your numbers are not counted
Aforementioned ugly blokes must be added to Appendix A – the Ugly Blokes list
A name can only be added to the list if one of the other parties witnesses a full on snog
Anything more than a snog counts as two points and does not have to be witnessed. This will be taken on a matter of trust.
It had all been hilarious during their younger years, and all three had watched while their lists grew at an alarming pace. Charlotte secretly still filled hers in, although it was rather upsetting as there had been no new entries for the last eighteen months!
After two unsuccessful years spent at college where Charlotte failed to gain any qualifications, she managed to get herself a job as an admissions clerk at the local hospital. Kathleen, Charlotte’s mother, was as excitable as a child on Christmas day, and was soon off visiting the neighbours in their cul-de-sac, telling them all that Charlotte had a job in medicine.
Charlotte enjoyed her time at the hospital and her colleagues took quite a shine to the quiet, polite, young teenager, often commenting to each other what a “sweet little thing” she was and “you never hear a peep from her”. This was typical of Charlotte; when she enjoyed doing something she was focused, determined and gave it her all. Hence at her first Christmas Party, just two months after joining the staff, Charlotte gave it her all. She was focused on getting drunk and determined to have a good time. After five glasses of punch and two large glasses of wine, everyone began to see a slightly different side to Charlotte. Her rendition of Elvis’s “Suspicious Minds”, while wearing Pete the mortician’s hairpiece, was definitely the highlight of the evening as far as most people were concerned; in fact seven years later she was still stopped in the street by old colleagues and reminded of how funny it was. On the night, Pete couldn’t thank her enough for her honest opinion of the “dead cat” on his head. It led him to make the bold move of removing the hairpiece forever and sporting the “bald” look. It was also the party at which Charlotte first fell in love. Phil, one of the porters, was a bad choice as it turned out, but there weren’t many nineteen year old men who would hold your hair and rub your back while you were throwing up into a Yukka plant.
The romance with Phil was short lived. Charlotte liked to think he dumped her because he thought that they were too young to settle down. Amanda, Charlotte’s sister, was convinced that it was no coincidence that he finished with her, by text, on March the 15th two days before her birthday. In the months that they’d been going out together Phil had earned himself a reputation for being a tad tight. He always “forgot his wallet” when going out for pizza, or lost the tickets that he’d supposedly bought for the cinema and then couldn’t afford to replace. After her birthday he did ask Charlotte back out again. She was ecstatic, but after two weeks of subbing him, even Charlotte agreed with Amanda; this time she dumped him. After Phil, Charlotte lusted after three junior doctors, one medical rep and one patient who had a peanut stuck in his ear.
She had been working at the hospital for two years when she broke her mother’s heart, and resigned. It had been fun, but Charlotte was getting bored with the same mundane tasks every day; she needed a change. So she applied for a job with an insurance company in town and, after two interviews and an informal chat with the owners, Mr Palmer & Mr Blunderstone, she got the job.
Kathleen was apoplectic about Charlotte leaving the medical profession. Amanda, however, saved the day by distracting their mother and announcing that she and Dave - her fiancé of two years - had set a date for their wedding. The wedding arrangements took up most of Kathleen’s time and she soon forgot about Charlotte’s misdemeanour, so she was reprieved; free to start her new job without any fuss.
On Charlotte’s first day she couldn’t wait to meet all her new colleagues, imagining that they’d all be young and single like her and that they would all become good mates, so she was highly disappointed when she found out that the next youngest employee to her at 42, was Maria the canteen lady. Luckily for Charlotte within three months Mr Palmer’s son, Paul, decided to open a subsidiary company on the edge of Chester. He was taking on all new and young members of staff. Of those who worked for Mr Palmer senior there was only Charlotte who was willing to make the move.