Monkey Wrench

By: Tymber Dalton

Drunk Monkeys 3

Chapter One

“That damn, batshit crazy asshole fucker in charge there in Pyongyang is the one who stirred the shitpot. Then Beijing made him lick the goddamned spoon and nuked his fucking ass. Problem is, when they did that—not saying they weren’t justified, mind you—our first and best chance to reverse-engineer this clusterfuck went up in a mushroom cloud. All the rest of us could do was fucking bend over and pray for lube and a reacharound.”

—Gen. Robert K. McCammeron (Our Last History? by Willard M. Sterling. Interview date May, 2143)

“In the time since we first became aware of the virus, and the subsequent events that have followed, we’ve come to understand that we have no idea why, much less how, they [North Korea] created it. Unfortunately, when Beijing wiped Pyongyang off the map, they also wiped out any hope we had of creating an effective vaccine in a timely manner to prevent transmission to a majority of the world’s population. It’s estimated that within another five years, over ninety percent of the world’s population will either be dead or infected unless we get lucky and figure it out.”

—Dr. Arnold P. Almer, CDC (Our Last History? by Willard M. Sterling. Interview date April, 2143)

“In terms of [Kite, the drug’s] addictive nature, it makes meth look like baby aspirin.”

—Kimberly Coates, PhD, University of Florida (February, 2143)

“Well, fuck.”

—President Charlotte Kennedy’s reported reaction upon learning that China authorized the use of nuclear weapons against North Korea on July 29, 2142, in response to Pyongyang allowing thousands of people they supposedly infected with the Kite virus to flood across the border into China several days earlier.

“The Drunk Monkeys? Those crazy motherfuckers don’t exist. And boy, are they good at what they do. Thank god.”

—Gen. Joseph Arliss (June, 2143)

* * * *

Long story short…

From Australia, to Hawaii, to Mexico, and now Los Angeles. It’s May, 2143, ten months since TMFU—The Massive Fuckup—and only a week since we last left the Drunk Monkeys special ops team on their quest to save the world.

For the past several weeks, the men—and now women—of the Drunk Monkeys have been busy little…

Well, monkeys.

And, good news, one mole was brought down and taken out of commission in Mexico City. Unfortunately, doing so uncovered the fact that there is actually a second mole in the food chain between the Drunk Monkeys and four-star General Joseph Arliss, their direct commander.

And it’s a two-star general of a mole.

To say that little factoid complicates things on their end is a major understatement.

General Arliss still has the Drunk Monkeys operating off-the-grid and remaining in hiding. Oh yeah, along the way they’ve located two people from The List, scientists who were part of the team which developed the Kite virus for North Korea in the first place.

That would be before China made North Korea go boom in a spectacularly radioactive mushroom cloud of dust.


Those two scientists are now in the process of working to develop a vaccine for the Kite virus.

The men of the Drunk Monkeys have also added two women to their group along the way. They’ve become valuable additions to their team. Pandora, who is an item with partners Doc and Tango, and Clara, a nurse practitioner who hitched her wagon to twin brothers Yankee and Oscar.

Now, they’re all trying to locate a third person from The List and bring them safely into hiding with them. Meanwhile, there’s a certain troubling development that’s caught their attention regarding what appears to be a church-run research project that might or might not be designed to spread Kite in the United States.