Grease Monkey

By: Tymber Dalton

Drunk Monkeys 4



Chapter One


“That damn, batshit crazy asshole fucker in charge there in Pyongyang is the one who stirred the shitpot. Then Beijing made him lick the goddamned spoon and nuked his fucking ass. Problem is, when they did that—not saying they weren’t justified, mind you—our first and best chance to reverse-engineer this clusterfuck went up in a mushroom cloud. All the rest of us could do was fucking bend over and pray for lube and a reacharound.”

—Gen. Robert K. McCammeron (Our Last History? by Willard M. Sterling. Interview date May, 2143)

“In the time since we first became aware of the virus, and the subsequent events that have followed, we’ve come to understand that we have no idea why, much less how, they [North Korea] created it. Unfortunately, when Beijing wiped Pyongyang off the map, they also wiped out any hope we had of creating an effective vaccine in a timely manner to prevent transmission to a majority of the world’s population. It’s estimated that within another five years, over ninety percent of the world’s population will either be dead or infected unless we get lucky and figure it out.”

—Dr. Arnold P. Almer, CDC (Our Last History? by Willard M. Sterling. Interview date April, 2143)

“In terms of [Kite, the drug’s] addictive nature, it makes meth look like baby aspirin.”

—Kimberly Coates, PhD, University of Florida (February, 2143)

“Well, fuck.”

—President Charlotte Kennedy’s reported reaction upon learning that China authorized the use of nuclear weapons against North Korea on July 29, 2142, in response to Pyongyang allowing thousands of people they supposedly infected with the Kite virus to flood across the border into China several days earlier.

“The Drunk Monkeys? Those crazy motherfuckers don’t exist. And boy, are they good at what they do. Thank god.”

—Gen. Joseph Arliss (June, 2143)

* * * *

Long story short…

It’s now June, 2143, and eleven months post-TMFU—The Massive Fuckup. Along with carrying out their assigned mission, our intrepid band of Drunk Monkeys, a SOTIF unit, has been busy being a massive pain in the ass of one Reverend Hannibal Silo, founder and leader of the Church of the Rising Sunset.

To be fair, the reverend is busy trying to speed along the Kite virus apocalypse for his own personal and political gain. So a little blowing up of a Los Angeles facility devoted to infecting people with the Kite virus should generally be excused in the grand scheme of things.

They are now a group of twenty Drunk Monkeys, three women who’ve joined them, and two scientists from The List, who are desperately working to create a vaccine for the deadly pandemic they unwillingly unleashed upon the human race.

And they felt pretty bad about that. Which is why they’re trying to create a vaccine to help stop this mess.

Unfortunately, there’s still a high-level mole in General Arliss’ command, a mole whose presence means they will have to remain in hiding and operating on their own for now.

We pick up their story just a couple of days after we left them the last time, when Stacia, now code-named Ak—short for Ass-kicker—joined their group.

And away we go!



* * * *

Please keep your hands and feet inside the vehicle while the apocalypse is underway…

Roscoe kept his eyes closed and tried to ignore the faint moanings and groanings rolling down from the floor above them.

Not one, not two, but three women had now joined their merry band of military misfits. Three days ago, the Drunk Monkeys had blown up a facility the Church of the Rising Sunset was using to get volunteers unknowingly hooked on Kite the drug before then infecting them with Kite the virus. The church had then attempted to send the volunteers out on suicide missions to infect others in urban cities around the country.